So That’s What It Feels Like

by phoolishdreamer

I had started writing a post on recent events and how things never really are a problem until they become your problem. As I reread it, it seemed like something that a desperate person would plead right before they snap and become a madman — which promptly afterwards, everyone becomes a critic and tries to weaponize your actions.

So, to avoid looking too much like a crazy person (which I’m sure is already too late), I decided to take a different approach and tie it in with something that has marvelously happened in my life.

As you, reader, have probably read in my previous rantings and bemoaning diatribes, I’ve been in a lot of money woes, specifically with credit cards. A lot of stupid decisions brought me to that Sisyphian pit of darkness, and at my worst, I did put a lot of blame on my upbringing, my environment, my government, and many other things.

However, I never really directed the blame at myself.

And then I finally did. And then I got really sad that I would never dig myself out.

The problem was that my focus was solely on the largeness of my hole of financial mess. At first glance of anything massive, and you’re probably inclined to think, “Wow, that’s so big. How am I ever going to [insert verb] that?”

As someone who goes from very in his head to very in his feelings, it was hard to convince myself that I would still be alive when I’m out of this predicament, if at all. Yet, like many journeys, it does have to start with that first step.

I actually learned about the Baby Steps back around 2011, but it never really stuck. I was always fluctuating in my income, but never in my lifestyle. And like food, it has to be a lifelong habit. It can’t be a diet because you’ll crash.

I didn’t stick to the Baby Steps completely. (Sorry, Dave Ramsey. I’m weak.) However, I took the basic principles, finally set my mind to it, and cut some stairs into that big old financial pit, slowly gaining some ground. And it sucked — like eating broccoli.

But I stuck to it. And then the pandemic hit. But I didn’t change my lifestyle (except for the extra couch surfing while watching all my shows). And then I got a job. And then I got another one that paid way more. And I stuck to the process.

And sure enough, after 14.5 years since I got my first credit card, I paid the last outstanding balance, canceled all the balance transfer accounts I accumulated over the years, and cut those credit cards into pieces.

Disclaimer: I still use credit cards for the points, but I never carry a balance anymore.

I’ve heard of people going hysterical and losing their minds when they’re debt-free, but for me, I didn’t really feel anything. Partially because I still have a massive student loan debt to conquer, but it wasn’t a huge wash of emotion like when I finished my last final in undergrad.

It was more like I had just woken up to another day. For a moment, I thought — now what?

And it was sobering because I think aside from understanding grace and knowing that I’m loved, nothing will ever be as pain-relief-inducing. Compared to knowing God and accepting Jesus, nothing for me will seem like reaching the summit of some grand peak (not peek), but more so like, “Great. What’s next?”

And perhaps, maybe that’s the way to take most things in life, with adequate consideration and commiseration, of course. If you get caught up in every single thing as a life-threatening situation or a coke-filled escapade, then it takes the meaningfulness out of things.

As a friend of mine often quotes his cinematography professor, if every shot is a close-up, then nothing is.

I guess I do want to feel a certain way with how things are going, and I’m subtly being that I should feel that way on social media, or else I’m not on the correct side. And then I’m being told that if I feel this way, then I must feel that way about this other thing.

Which is probably the dumbest logically fallacy that I see Americans swing on the regular. Like if something is not green, then is it yellow? No, you fucking Neanderthal — it’s just not green.

I do have the feelings that everyone else probably has, and I empathize wholeheartedly. In fact, I really do want to voice my opinion to a whole bunch of strangers to raise some heads about things.

I also kind of want to celebrate that I’m free of credit card debt, but not like have a spending spree and live lavishly. (By my current standards, Taco Bell would be a considerable haul.)

Yet, I believe that once you feel a certain way, a genuine, perhaps practical “then what” should follow. Words and emotions are free to dole out, but taking action is anything but cheap. It’s going to require some form of work or sacrifice to see some change.

I once heard that living is the best form of revenge, but I’d like to take that notion to the next step:

The best form of activism you can do is simply love one another.

YTD Student Loan Debt: $171,115.90
YTD Personal Loan Debt: $0