Words for 206

by phoolishdreamer

As I take my last few constitutionals in Seattle, I felt the need to sit and refocus my mind before my journey.

I would admit that I have lost some focus in the last few weeks, feeling distant and alone. Whenever I tried to engage in conversation, and the topic of my leaving came up, I gave an honest look at my worries and fears to my audience. The usual reply had something to with food or meeting people (namely women). Yet, I never heard the response that I needed. As a result, I retreated into myself, including during a long camping trip.

In my solitude, I thought about what last words I could offer to my family in Seattle. Perhaps some grandiose speech about working hard and getting “there,” or perhaps a very large piece of my wasteland of a mind. I had so much to collate from nine years of my life that everything just started to blur and discombobulate. Even with so much of nature’s beauty surrounding me, I felt everything grey into a cloudy smog.

What should I tell people? What can I tell people? Is there anything I can or should say? Will it make me feel any better about what’s to come?

Some of the answers, I think, came from three different but wise women.

The first told me that though my fears are warranted, I just have to do as God has called. (I would like to think she said, “Stop complaining and just do it, you big wuss,” but that’s just how I perceived it.) It is scary to pursue what I am because there is no blueprint, no clear trodden path which I can follow. I am blazing a trail as a pioneer into uncharted territory, as she said, not so that I can feel safe or benefit, but so that others with similar interests and dreams can follow.

The second had a similar background of interests, but was also doing things she wasn’t initially sure was her calling. Many people ask for certain callings from God, she said, but often they do it out of their own selfish ambitions: while they may become worldly successful, that’s not the end goal. Others, however, will have missions presented to them from God, and though they feel inadequate or incapable of doing these tasks, He makes it possible for them to perform so that He may be known to all, as He has been preparing them from the very beginning and will sustain them to the end.

The last simply asked me to share my feelings. Chances were that someone else could relate to how I feel and offer sincere advice and application, not just the normal “cheer up” reply. If they could not, the least the listener could do, if they were truly a friend, is offer prayer on my behalf. Although I don’t remember if this was what she said, I felt that this was the message she was trying to portray.

Even with all this excellent advice, I can’t help but feel a bit of sadness. Perhaps it is just the flesh that is weary, but a twinge of spiritual defeat is still on my heart. There are still things that haven’t been resolved, and there are things that have resulted in some burnt bridges. While I would like to stay so that I leave on the best note, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to fix every problem involving myself. That is up to the Lord to decide. What I can leave you readers with, though, is at least one last story.


There once was a boy who from a young age knew that he wanted to make videos and tell stories. He devoted his time and efforts to learning the ins and outs, the intricacies and the big pictures, so to speak. High school went by, and he was on his way to pursuing the big dream, to land his way into motion picture and make some big moves. Everyone around him knew that he would eventually make his way into the bright lights of Hollywood. In the back of his mind, though, he always had the intention to make the story of God known to everyone and anyone he met, and he wanted movies to be the driving force behind the point of the sword.

Unfortunately, he did not get to live out his big dream. His life ended abruptly in tragedy, and his loved ones suffered dearly at the loss. At his memorial service, amidst the eulogies and memories, there sat one young man, barely a friend to the dearly departed. He listened intently to the story of a driven individual working for the Kingdom of God, and he wondered if his life was as fiery or passionate as the one who had passed.

It was not. It was boring. It was repetitive. It was safe, much like that of many others around him.

This bystander decided that he had had enough. He searched his heart for what ignited him, took a stand, and quit his job. He battled for two long years through applications, depression, anxiety, loneliness, defeat, dead-end jobs, and otherwise inapplicable advice from the crowd. He suffered through an end of a relationship, a loss in the family, bad news stacked upon each other into a tower of stress. In his desperation, he shouted out to the Lord in a manner which he had never done, asking why his suffering was enduring and deepening to depths of pure depravity.

The Lord answered plainly, that He is the Lord, and His plans, though unbeknownst to the young man, are still following through.

However, it was this calling that the Lord sought, for this young man had neglected the one relationship, the one thing that mattered most in this world. He wanted His son to return to Him, to converse with Him, to commune with Him. Slowly but surely, the young man rekindled his relationship with the Father, and though there were stumbling blocks, he found his identity in the Lord and rejoiced daily.

And he is writing this story for you, reader, so that you may find encouragement and grow deeper in relationship with the Lord.


This one’s for you, Richard. Thanks for getting my ass off the couch and into gear. I hope that someday, we can share our stories, unfolded and untold.